Spilling my own tea

Greetings!!

As I sit here thinking what to write or where to begin, my emotions are very mixed. Will I change people's perception of who I am? Will I lose followers for people thinking i'm crazy? Will I get applauded for publicly displaying my feelings and not giving a shit about what people think? Would I appear to sound like a whining bitch? You know what.....FUCK IT!

After canceling my radio show, I was left with asking myself this question...What's next? I refuse to go the 9 to 5 route, get a nice apt, decent job, fuck chicks at my leisure and live happily. That's not what my happy consist of. What's my passion? Helping people in a large abundance whether it's promoting their brand or helping them to follow their passion or even working closely with various communities to make sure that our children are not a statistic but leaders shaping more leaders. I'm seeking to use my celebrity status (cocky right?) to accomplish these goals but I first have to become the celebrity.

My radio show...Thee KO Show...man I how I miss it! My show debuted November 16 2012 and when first beginning the show I had no idea what I was doing lol. I knew where I wanted it to go but I've never really had the support to back it up. After graduating broadcasting school (November 2012), I knew that getting into the industry would require two things: putting together an air check demo or applying to work the behind the scenes. I failed at both. I still don't know how to put together a great air check demo and who really wants a soon to be 42 yr old man as an intern? My only option was to do a radio show and see where that goes.

There were many high & lows with the show but what I enjoyed about it the most was it was mine to do whatever I wanted to do with it and it's a great feeling. I've contemplated  several times on beginning my own internet station but I didn't have the finances to make that happen. Even if I did my low self esteem immediately kicked in and said, "nigga, it won't work so chill with the idea". And I did.

The low self esteem is surprising huh? Well it's been something that I've dealt with all my life. People who see me see so many great things that I can accomplish that I don't see at all. Matter of fact how I vision things is: I'm going to die a lonely man who hasn't accomplished shit in life and me being here on this earth is just a waste of time. I'm not crazy, i'm just giving your eyes a reality of what I feel everyday. I get asked by my close friends "With that attitude how can you support your daughter?" I say easy, I know how to give a damn about people and go out my way to help and show support. People don't do that because people don't give a fuck about you honestly.

Going back to my radio show real quick, when I announced that I cancelled it everyone acted as if I was dead wrong for doing so. What was wrong was the assholes who acted as if they gave a damn and honestly the ones who didn't support the show called! Now them reading this they're going to say "yo he's dead wrong for saying that because I DID support him" In it's entirety? Shit my own daughter didn't fully support me the way I thought she would. Hey fuck it, it is what it is. It's life.

SO now i'm at a cross road where what's next? How can I become famous without having to put others down or ridiculing my character. With this blog I figured I can still interview people and just post it to my blog. Seems simple right? Well overthinking is killing my character because the first thing I said was "No one is going to read it and even if they do, they're probably going to say it's boring" I only got the idea to do this blog because of the positive responses i've been receiving for my tweets on Twitter.

This shit man is just driving me crazy! What is my purpose? Why is God taking long with putting me in the right situation? Am I supposed to be in the entertainment industry? Man, it isn't a day that goes by where being dead would probably be best for me because I just don't know what else to do. I know speaking like this is bad and I shouldn't be putting it out there in the Universe but i'm tired physically, emotionally, spiritually everything!

Here's what i'm going to do, I'm going to continue to live life and see what happens next. I wish I can feel better about life but like I've been saying lately, "I'm just here B". Don't judge me, i'm just venting thank you for taking the time to read this.

Follow me on Instagram/Twitter: theekoshow

Sincerely

Kurt, KO